Winter Morning Thoughts (Dec '07)

December 18, 2007.

The boys’ bus picked them up 10 minutes ago to take them to school for the last time this year. I’m finishing up my morning coffee after having a bowl of cereal and reading a bit of the Seattle Times newspaper. Before that I had spent the prior hour trying to keep them quiet (Mary’s still asleep in her room down the hall), feeding them breakfast, filling their lunch boxes (sandwich, apple slides, a snack food of some sort, and dessert – pudding for Kenny, candy & granola bar for Charlie, xmas cookies for Billy. Billy also takes a bottle of water in his “cooler” style lunch box because he likes really cold water to drink and won’t drink milk straight up. Sometimes he likes chocolate milk.

I cried myself to sleep last night. Well, I cried for a while while Tim held me, then after blowing my nose multiple times settled in to sleep, and slept well, dreaming about shopping for bangly earrings and big warm sweaters. Huh?? That’s okay. The prior night I dreamed I was looking for someone to watch my BABY while I was at work next quarter because I was NURSING the baby. I don’t know if this was a new baby, but the people in the dream included Saskia and Pam, people I’ve only known a couple of years. At least my dreams have been rather light-hearted lately. A few months back I was dreaming of ascending steep hills with people I know coaxing me on. That made more sense given my life these days.

Actually, I seem to be doing okay, despite the many weeks of chemo I’ve had lately, all the troubles with chest ports, pneumonia and kidney stones in late summer. Mom moved last week to assisted living at Crista. That went okay but meant a lot of time for me helping to sort through her remaining belongings, schedule meetings with the admissions staff & nurses and movers & auction house people, but it worked pretty well. Mom seems happy, if not a bit more confused with the new surroundings and schedule. I have moments of tears, like last night when I started thinking about sad news of late, but I felt the comfort of God, and heard that still, small voice saying, “I’m taking care of you and I love you.” I know that. I can trust in God when I can’t trust in anything or anyone else, my house (we’re dealing w/ water damage in basement and will soon have new floors installed), my health (!!!), and Mom’s mental well-being (dementia is nasty stuff).

Here comes Mary (8:30 AM), asking for Daddy. On many mornings she asks me to call him to tell him to come home from work. Then I try to distract her w/ food, juice, TV, etc. She has learned that asking for unrealistic things doesn’t pan out too well.

So, anyway, I’m surprised that I’m not more down and depressed. I’m thankful for that. I find joy in so many things – esp. my kids. They are so handsome and smart, and it can be so much fun to watch them grow, learn things, laugh and share with them things I find funny. Tim does the same. Last night Kenny & I watched YouTube video of an impersonator who does a funny George Bush. It was fun to laugh with Kenny over that.

This morning Kenny & Charlie were standing near each other, all arms & legs and floppy hair. They look quite a bit alike still, and they just strike me as so handsome and tall. Kenny’s almost 5-3 and Charlie’s about 5-1, so they are tall, of course. Billy’s big too, and learning so much, and he’s so enthusiastic about school and what he is learning. It’s wonderful.

Mary still can be quite high maintenance. It’s her age combined with a strong personality. She knows what she wants and goes after it, that’s for sure. She also can be so sweet. Yesterday she ran over and gave me a hug. When I said, “What’s that for?” she answered, “because I love you!” Wow. Melted my heart right there.

She will often ask whether I’m still sick. She’s either referring to cancer in general, or chemo side-effects. Some days I have to tell her I’m really tired or that I don’t feel good, so I can’t interact with her the ways she wants me to, so she picks up on how I feel very well. Otherwise I don’t know how to answer her, specifically. I hope I’m going to be well from now on, but in reality that is unlikely.

I have many moments when I wonder “What is God teaching me through all the trials?” But I can just as easily ask, “How is God blessing me today?” Many Sundays I am touched by the words, cards and gifts people offer to me. I love so many people at Shoreline Free Methodist Church, and I continue to meet new people who bless me. I hope I can bless them as well. I’ve already mentioned the blessings from knowing and living with my kids. Of course they can be very challenging at times too, and Tim and I both regularly “lose our cool” around them.

What I’m learning: to Trust in God and in Christ Jesus, knowing that they are with me through the trials and heartaches. They comfort me. Jesus went through awful treatment and had times of great sorry, anxiety, and pain. So Jesus relates with what we endure. I’m also learning that LIFE IS SHORT!! I don’t really live as if each day is my last, but I’m starting to live as though each season may be my last. I don’t really do things differently but it keeps things in perspective. I get sad when the kids talk about Christmases future, for example, because I don’t know if I’ll be around. I know their lives will go on, but I want to (selfishly??) be there to see them grow up and venture out to live independently. For now I just cherish the time with them and hope they will have many good memories of me and time with their family. Times of laughter, learning, challenge, and love.

Well, I’m off to the shower and to get ready for the day. Mary & I will visit Mom this morning and help her with some things. Change of address, organizing her new place, etc. I feel well today. Good energy, only a touch of queasiness left over from last week’s chemo treatment. It’s good to get some of this written down…