People have asked me how my life has changed since being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer a couple years ago. The list below describes changes in my attitudes about a number of aspects of life, from seemingly simple things like clothing choices, to more weighty topics like forgiveness. I hope this list helps you, no matter what you are facing in life right now.
Wear ill-fitting clothes or shoesShoes should feel good on your feet AT the shoe store. Never let a salesperson talk you into believing the myth that the shoes will “break in” and feel better later. Shop for shoes when you feet are their largest – swollen after a long day of work or eating a bag of potato chips, perhaps.
Same with clothing. Don’t buy something that doesn’t quite fit, hoping to lose a couple pounds before the season arrives that you will be wearing the garment you are trying on. Also don’t buy clothes you will need to constantly adjust or fidget with. For example, if your undies show when you lean over, the pants or skirt do not fit you properly. Similarly, if too much of your cleavage shows when you bend over, your shirt is too small.
Ditto for undergarments. Only wear bras and panties that fit well and feel good – specifically, I don’t think you should notice them at all. You should not have to rearrange your undies every time you stand up. Your bra should not dig into your skin.
I suggest you go through your clothes & shoes once a year or so and take out any items you have not worn, either because they don’t fit well or because you don’t feel good wearing them. Give them away to charity or to a friend who might find them useful. Do this with jewelry too. This can be difficult for those of us who think we’ve wasted good money on these items, but we also waste good space holding on to things we are unlikely to use. Ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen if I no longer own that scratchy sweater that’s out of style and a bit too short and in a color that makes me look like death warmed over? Well, it may come in handy on a really cold winter day, under a few layers, but really, don’t you have other sweaters you could wear?
Give yourself permission to get rid of that sweater and maybe buy a new one for those cold winter days. Also, look at what is left in your closet or dresser drawers and look for patterns in styles and colors. When you shop, look for similar styles and colors of items you already own because you are more likely to wear them. You may save a lot of time and money this way.
Hold a grudge
This can be very difficult. I know. I have learned the hard way that forgiveness is the beginning of reconciliation. I have learned this in my marriage, and so has my husband. But I am glad now that we chose the path of forgiveness.
Something else I’ve learned about forgiveness is that it is rarely a one-time thing. When Jesus told his disciples to forgive 70 times 7 times that can mean for the same offense. So when I remember the events I have forgiven people for, I may need to forgive them (in my heart & mind) right then and there AGAIN, even if I don’t feel like it.
Who do you hold grudges against? The person who cut you off in traffic? The cop who pulled you over for no good reason? Your spouse? Your child? Your boss? Your former boss? Your annoying neighbor or his/her kids, pets, etc.? Take it from me – let it go. Forgive them in your heart, maybe even to their face or in a letter, if you think that’s appropriate. Otherwise, it’s like holding on to a ticking time bomb and it will only make you more and more miserable.
Do things you would rather not doNow of course we often need to do things we would rather not do, but I challenge you to reevaluate those things to see if you can stop doing them, delegate them to someone else, or hire someone to do them for you. Examples? Do you hate to dust your house (like I do)? Teach your kid to do it in order to earn his allowance. Do you dislike pulling weeds? Hire a kid from the neighborhood to do some yard work for you. Also, put in more and more plants over time so they crowd out weedy areas of your yard.
Do you dislike your job? What aspects do you like, and what aspects do you dislike? Can you talk to your supervisor about doing more of the tasks you enjoy and less of what you don’t like?
Years ago I did this in my job as a professor. I enjoyed teaching certain classes over others, and colleagues felt the opposite way, so we ended up changing the teaching loads so that I primarily taught the courses I liked the best and my colleagues taught the courses they liked best, and the overlaps were few. On a more radical scale you may consider a new job or career. People often return to school to change careers or simply try something new based on their interests and talents that may not require more training, at least at first– such as writing, online sales, home decorating, photography, teaching dance or music lessons, catering, computer consulting, handyman services, or tutoring.
Not do things you have always wanted to doJust before my second cancer surgery my husband asked me where I had always wanted to travel, and it didn’t take me long to say “Alaska” with the follow-up qualifier “on a cruise ship”.
Well, guess what? We ended up on a cruise to Alaska with another couple two months later! We mentioned the idea to a friend of mine from work and she told us she and her husband were booked on a cruise, so after I got home from the hospital we looked into it and booked the trip within a few days. It was a great trip.
So even if you are not facing a life-threatening illness, think about things you have really wanted to do, set realistic goals and think about how you can achieve them. A good friend was on her way to majoring in French in college over 15 years ago, but it required her to live in France for a year, and she had just gotten married and she and her husband couldn’t go abroad for a year. She still has not been to France, but just recently they have started saving money and plan to go to Europe next year.
Another example is my husband who was recently laid off from his job. He’s receiving severance pay, thankfully, and that has given him time to think about what he really wants to do with his career (even in his mid-40s). He has always wanted to attend law school, but in all of our years of marriage we never thought that would be feasible. Well he’s looking into it now. One step at a time – take the LSAT, apply, and if/when he gets accepted (highly likely) we’ll figure out how to make it work. Or he may change his mind if a good job comes along. Who knows? But in my new state of mind I’m more likely to be open-minded about such things.
Your goals may be less life-changing than a big trip to Europe or going to graduate school. Maybe you have wanted to learn to cook gourmet food. You could take classes at a nearby college or trade school. Maybe you want to learn sustainable gardening techniques. Check out books at the library, research techniques on the internet, go on garden tours, and talk to staff at gardening stores.
What have you always wanted to do? Make a list, share your ideas with family and friends, set goals, and see what happens!
Hang around negative people
Enough said.
by Lisa Klein Surdyk
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