God is Good (May '08)

I was diagnosed with stage 4 (of 4) cancer last June. This diagnosis applies because the cancer spread after the tumor was removed.

The average life expectancy for a person with stage 4 colon cancer is two years.

Some people die sooner if the cancer affects vital organs such as the liver or lungs and is “inoperable” or otherwise untreatable.

Some people live more than two years if the cancer has not spread to vital organs.

There is no cure for this.

While there is treatment designed to keep the cancer from spreading, primarily in the form of chemotherapy, treatment does not guarantee the cancer will not spread.

An analogy from my oncologist may be helpful: Consider the process of removing weeds from your garden. You may pull out a large weed by its roots, but you can’t remove all the seeds it may have already dropped. My initial surgery removed the large “weed” (the tumor) but doctors are unable to detect any “seeds” the weed may have left behind. Last summer’s surgery confirmed that the “weed” had in fact spread seeds that the “weed killer” (the chemo) had not killed. Hence the Stage 4 diagnosis.

The typical spot “downwind” from colon cancer tumors is the liver. So far, my liver is okay.

My latest diagnosis was not new. Once stage 4, always stage 4. The cancerous growths in my abdomen are not threatening, but they indicate that the cancer cells are still spreading despite a lot of chemo. The hope is that this next round of chemo will keep the cancer at bay, at least for a while. It seems good news to me that the oncologist suggests more chemo. The alternative message might be “I’m sorry but there is nothing more we can do for you…”

The bottom line, as I understand it, is that I probably won’t live very many more years because it is only a matter of time before the cancer affects my vital organs. In the meantime I will likely get treatment (chemotherapy) when it is offered to me, continue to get scans every few months, and in the future I may have more surgery if the cancer spreads to vital organs and surgeons believe they can remove it. Then again I may live many more years, but doctors always will want me to get scanned periodically to see if the cancer has spread.

I have had almost a year to adjust to this news, and I wanted to be plain about this so you can understand my situation.

On a related note, I do not consider myself going through a “fight” or “battle.” While these are very common terms people use in our society when people are being treated for diseases, I am an advocate of non-violence for the most part. Cancer cells are not foreign invaders. They are good cells gone bad, and I view the chemotherapy as keeping the cells from dividing and causing damage that could kill me. So you won’t hear me use terms of violence and I will ask anyone giving my eulogy some day to refrain from using them.

I have cancer and I am being treated for cancer. If I die of cancer, I will have died after being treated for cancer. My wish is that people will not say I died “after a long battle against” the disease.

How am I doing with all of this? Good question. Most of the time I am fairly calm and go through life as normally as possible. I love my work that involves teaching, writing and advising, I enjoy time with my family and friends, and I appreciate my church family greatly.

I’m not afraid of death because I know Jesus.

I’m not really afraid of the dying process because I know it will come fairly quickly and because drugs will keep me comfortable in the end.

What I fear is the absence in my kids’ lives. I worry about how they will be without their mother. It is for their sake, primarily, that I will continue to receive treatment that my doctor(s) recommend.

I worry about Tim and how he will manage everything – the house, the kids’ schedules, the kids’ needs for nurture, teaching, guidance and love, the financial matters, the shopping, the cleaning, the yard work, the correspondence, etc., etc.

I worry about people I love and the pain and sorrow and sense of loss they may experience.

I also worry about my mother who relies on me in a number of ways.

A passage of scripture that comes to me over and over again these days is Philippians 4:19, where Paul wrote: And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I hold on to this promise and the many other promises in scripture when worries arise.

I know God will meet all of Kenny’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet all of Charlie’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet all of Billy’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet all of Mary’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet all of Tim’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet all of my mother’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet the needs of other people who love me, according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

God provides!

God provides supportive relatives and friends who will support Tim and my mother, and my children.

God is good.

God is good in life.

God is good in death.

God is good when life is going well and when we experience joy.

God is good when life is very difficult, even agonizing.

God is good when we go through deep sorrow.

God is good when we enjoy good health.

God is good when we are very sick.

God is good when we have abundant resources.

God is good when we don’t seem to have enough resources.

God is good when we feel extreme pain.

God is good during the dying process.

God is good because God loves us and will never leave or forsake us because of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection.