Fall 2011

It has been a while since I added some of Lisa's writings...I think it is time to put her unfinished book online, to share with others the project into which she put so much time, effort and passion, in her final few years.

In the next few weeks/months, I will be uploading the semi-finished chapters and additional essays she had written. You will see them listed as separate pages, on the left side of this homepage, below Lisa's "About Me" section.

Thank you for joining us and reading along.

Tim

Winter Morning Thoughts (Dec '07)

December 18, 2007.

The boys’ bus picked them up 10 minutes ago to take them to school for the last time this year. I’m finishing up my morning coffee after having a bowl of cereal and reading a bit of the Seattle Times newspaper. Before that I had spent the prior hour trying to keep them quiet (Mary’s still asleep in her room down the hall), feeding them breakfast, filling their lunch boxes (sandwich, apple slides, a snack food of some sort, and dessert – pudding for Kenny, candy & granola bar for Charlie, xmas cookies for Billy. Billy also takes a bottle of water in his “cooler” style lunch box because he likes really cold water to drink and won’t drink milk straight up. Sometimes he likes chocolate milk.

I cried myself to sleep last night. Well, I cried for a while while Tim held me, then after blowing my nose multiple times settled in to sleep, and slept well, dreaming about shopping for bangly earrings and big warm sweaters. Huh?? That’s okay. The prior night I dreamed I was looking for someone to watch my BABY while I was at work next quarter because I was NURSING the baby. I don’t know if this was a new baby, but the people in the dream included Saskia and Pam, people I’ve only known a couple of years. At least my dreams have been rather light-hearted lately. A few months back I was dreaming of ascending steep hills with people I know coaxing me on. That made more sense given my life these days.

Actually, I seem to be doing okay, despite the many weeks of chemo I’ve had lately, all the troubles with chest ports, pneumonia and kidney stones in late summer. Mom moved last week to assisted living at Crista. That went okay but meant a lot of time for me helping to sort through her remaining belongings, schedule meetings with the admissions staff & nurses and movers & auction house people, but it worked pretty well. Mom seems happy, if not a bit more confused with the new surroundings and schedule. I have moments of tears, like last night when I started thinking about sad news of late, but I felt the comfort of God, and heard that still, small voice saying, “I’m taking care of you and I love you.” I know that. I can trust in God when I can’t trust in anything or anyone else, my house (we’re dealing w/ water damage in basement and will soon have new floors installed), my health (!!!), and Mom’s mental well-being (dementia is nasty stuff).

Here comes Mary (8:30 AM), asking for Daddy. On many mornings she asks me to call him to tell him to come home from work. Then I try to distract her w/ food, juice, TV, etc. She has learned that asking for unrealistic things doesn’t pan out too well.

So, anyway, I’m surprised that I’m not more down and depressed. I’m thankful for that. I find joy in so many things – esp. my kids. They are so handsome and smart, and it can be so much fun to watch them grow, learn things, laugh and share with them things I find funny. Tim does the same. Last night Kenny & I watched YouTube video of an impersonator who does a funny George Bush. It was fun to laugh with Kenny over that.

This morning Kenny & Charlie were standing near each other, all arms & legs and floppy hair. They look quite a bit alike still, and they just strike me as so handsome and tall. Kenny’s almost 5-3 and Charlie’s about 5-1, so they are tall, of course. Billy’s big too, and learning so much, and he’s so enthusiastic about school and what he is learning. It’s wonderful.

Mary still can be quite high maintenance. It’s her age combined with a strong personality. She knows what she wants and goes after it, that’s for sure. She also can be so sweet. Yesterday she ran over and gave me a hug. When I said, “What’s that for?” she answered, “because I love you!” Wow. Melted my heart right there.

She will often ask whether I’m still sick. She’s either referring to cancer in general, or chemo side-effects. Some days I have to tell her I’m really tired or that I don’t feel good, so I can’t interact with her the ways she wants me to, so she picks up on how I feel very well. Otherwise I don’t know how to answer her, specifically. I hope I’m going to be well from now on, but in reality that is unlikely.

I have many moments when I wonder “What is God teaching me through all the trials?” But I can just as easily ask, “How is God blessing me today?” Many Sundays I am touched by the words, cards and gifts people offer to me. I love so many people at Shoreline Free Methodist Church, and I continue to meet new people who bless me. I hope I can bless them as well. I’ve already mentioned the blessings from knowing and living with my kids. Of course they can be very challenging at times too, and Tim and I both regularly “lose our cool” around them.

What I’m learning: to Trust in God and in Christ Jesus, knowing that they are with me through the trials and heartaches. They comfort me. Jesus went through awful treatment and had times of great sorry, anxiety, and pain. So Jesus relates with what we endure. I’m also learning that LIFE IS SHORT!! I don’t really live as if each day is my last, but I’m starting to live as though each season may be my last. I don’t really do things differently but it keeps things in perspective. I get sad when the kids talk about Christmases future, for example, because I don’t know if I’ll be around. I know their lives will go on, but I want to (selfishly??) be there to see them grow up and venture out to live independently. For now I just cherish the time with them and hope they will have many good memories of me and time with their family. Times of laughter, learning, challenge, and love.

Well, I’m off to the shower and to get ready for the day. Mary & I will visit Mom this morning and help her with some things. Change of address, organizing her new place, etc. I feel well today. Good energy, only a touch of queasiness left over from last week’s chemo treatment. It’s good to get some of this written down…

God is Good (May '08)

I was diagnosed with stage 4 (of 4) cancer last June. This diagnosis applies because the cancer spread after the tumor was removed.

The average life expectancy for a person with stage 4 colon cancer is two years.

Some people die sooner if the cancer affects vital organs such as the liver or lungs and is “inoperable” or otherwise untreatable.

Some people live more than two years if the cancer has not spread to vital organs.

There is no cure for this.

While there is treatment designed to keep the cancer from spreading, primarily in the form of chemotherapy, treatment does not guarantee the cancer will not spread.

An analogy from my oncologist may be helpful: Consider the process of removing weeds from your garden. You may pull out a large weed by its roots, but you can’t remove all the seeds it may have already dropped. My initial surgery removed the large “weed” (the tumor) but doctors are unable to detect any “seeds” the weed may have left behind. Last summer’s surgery confirmed that the “weed” had in fact spread seeds that the “weed killer” (the chemo) had not killed. Hence the Stage 4 diagnosis.

The typical spot “downwind” from colon cancer tumors is the liver. So far, my liver is okay.

My latest diagnosis was not new. Once stage 4, always stage 4. The cancerous growths in my abdomen are not threatening, but they indicate that the cancer cells are still spreading despite a lot of chemo. The hope is that this next round of chemo will keep the cancer at bay, at least for a while. It seems good news to me that the oncologist suggests more chemo. The alternative message might be “I’m sorry but there is nothing more we can do for you…”

The bottom line, as I understand it, is that I probably won’t live very many more years because it is only a matter of time before the cancer affects my vital organs. In the meantime I will likely get treatment (chemotherapy) when it is offered to me, continue to get scans every few months, and in the future I may have more surgery if the cancer spreads to vital organs and surgeons believe they can remove it. Then again I may live many more years, but doctors always will want me to get scanned periodically to see if the cancer has spread.

I have had almost a year to adjust to this news, and I wanted to be plain about this so you can understand my situation.

On a related note, I do not consider myself going through a “fight” or “battle.” While these are very common terms people use in our society when people are being treated for diseases, I am an advocate of non-violence for the most part. Cancer cells are not foreign invaders. They are good cells gone bad, and I view the chemotherapy as keeping the cells from dividing and causing damage that could kill me. So you won’t hear me use terms of violence and I will ask anyone giving my eulogy some day to refrain from using them.

I have cancer and I am being treated for cancer. If I die of cancer, I will have died after being treated for cancer. My wish is that people will not say I died “after a long battle against” the disease.

How am I doing with all of this? Good question. Most of the time I am fairly calm and go through life as normally as possible. I love my work that involves teaching, writing and advising, I enjoy time with my family and friends, and I appreciate my church family greatly.

I’m not afraid of death because I know Jesus.

I’m not really afraid of the dying process because I know it will come fairly quickly and because drugs will keep me comfortable in the end.

What I fear is the absence in my kids’ lives. I worry about how they will be without their mother. It is for their sake, primarily, that I will continue to receive treatment that my doctor(s) recommend.

I worry about Tim and how he will manage everything – the house, the kids’ schedules, the kids’ needs for nurture, teaching, guidance and love, the financial matters, the shopping, the cleaning, the yard work, the correspondence, etc., etc.

I worry about people I love and the pain and sorrow and sense of loss they may experience.

I also worry about my mother who relies on me in a number of ways.

A passage of scripture that comes to me over and over again these days is Philippians 4:19, where Paul wrote: And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I hold on to this promise and the many other promises in scripture when worries arise.

I know God will meet all of Kenny’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet all of Charlie’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet all of Billy’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet all of Mary’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet all of Tim’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet all of my mother’s needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I know God will meet the needs of other people who love me, according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

God provides!

God provides supportive relatives and friends who will support Tim and my mother, and my children.

God is good.

God is good in life.

God is good in death.

God is good when life is going well and when we experience joy.

God is good when life is very difficult, even agonizing.

God is good when we go through deep sorrow.

God is good when we enjoy good health.

God is good when we are very sick.

God is good when we have abundant resources.

God is good when we don’t seem to have enough resources.

God is good when we feel extreme pain.

God is good during the dying process.

God is good because God loves us and will never leave or forsake us because of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection.

Things that Give Me Pleasure/Joy (July '08)

Seeing the moonlight reflected on Lake Washington from our living room window.

Library books – ones I pick out based on the nice cover and decent summary in the book jacket. Then if I start reading them and they bother me or I don’t like them, I just take them back. Very little cost. But often I really enjoy the books, and I look forward to times when I can read them.

I also love kids’ books from the library. Books we’ve read before or ones I have read to the older boys – Cordoroy, Curious George, Arthur, Clifford and many, many more. I love reading to the kids. I love that Billy learned to read this year.

I love the excitement of swim meets. I get nervous for my boys, but I enjoy watching them race. Of course I love it when they do very well and improve their times and “qualify” for prelims! I enjoy chatting with parents of other swimmers on the sidelines, eating the concession food (chicken burgers, or if we’re lucky, Caesar salads with salmon), and watching the other races. The seniors are so impressive with their skills and speed, and they win very often. Home meets are the best, thanks to Ian Allan, a parent-volunteer who emcees the meets. He interjects many interesting facts about the swimmers and their families, even kids from the visiting teams, trivia contests, and other fun and entertaining comments.

I enjoy sitting in our living room at night and watching the airplanes line up in formation to land at Sea-Tac and take off. From our house we often see a “V” of airplanes, sometimes as many as 9 or 10, made up of the planes landing and those taking off. We see planes from all directions circle over our area to head in for their landings. We also watch the lights of the boats that may still be out on the lake.

In the early evenings, or close to dusk, it’s fun to watch the Kenmore Air seaplanes land in the cove. We also watch hundreds of crows head east from their day of scavenging, or whatever they do west of us. Also, we see a number of bald eagles soaring above the lake and Bothell Way. They especially like to fly on days when the winds are strong and heading up the lake, as when a rain storm is on the way. They usually fly out in pairs, and we have seen as many as 4 or 5 pairs at a time.

In the summer, to the east we see one or (usually) two hot-air balloons floating above Woodinville, or some town in that direction. They are brightly colored – maybe rainbow or red, white and blue.

We do have a great view, with a lot to see, both man-made and natural.

I Choose Life (Aug '08)

“I choose life.” I read this phrase in a book I’m reading called Broken for You by Stephanie Kallos. I’ve been reading a lot of books this summer. Very enjoyable. An escape, yes, but also a chance to think of life through other people’s lives – the authors of the books and the characters they have created in these works of fiction.

I like my life. Easier to say on a relaxing Monday morning the week before the kids start school. No deadlines. No pressures (yet).

As long as I have life I want to live it and not think about it ending prematurely. Healing prayers from pastor Dave Carr at family camp included petitions against premature death and for healing from the curse of cancer. Yes, yes, yes. Spirit, fill me, fill my family, fill my church and the many people who heard Your voice at camp this summer.

I have 4 wonderful kids. The challenges of raising them are present, of course, but I look forward to seeing them reach many milestones, grow taller (and taller & taller!), mature, make new friends, learn so many things at school, in the pool, on playgrounds and fields, in friends’ homes, at church, with other adults, in books, movies, and yes, even video games.

I have a good husband. He loves me, finds me attractive, has needs I can meet, and I choose to love him. I am in love with him. I cannot control him. Surely I cannot control anything in this world, but I can choose to love him and live my life with him. We take walks together. Attend plays together. Go out to dinner (and sometimes breakfast). We enjoy talking about many topics – sports, politics, friends, kids, family, work, movies, and so many things.

I attend a great church. It’s great because of the relationships with people with huge hearts who know the healing power of grace in their lives and offer themselves to others with gratitude and love.

I enjoy my job, especially teaching. It gives me energy, stimulates me intellectually, and I enjoy meeting students and offering encouragement to them. I also like writing, even though I have little self-confidence in that area. I am encouraged when I get something accepted to a conference or journal. It keeps me going. And Jan is a great source of encouragement as I work on my book.

I love my friends and wider circle of acquaintances. I have been lonely in my life, but in recent years I have almost never felt lonely because of good, loving, caring friends. So many. Margaret, Lynee, Denise, Saskia, Jan, Delayne, Kerri, Tuvette, Alene, Cher, to name a few.

I have a wonderful home, enough money to do what God has called me to do, good health (most of the time!), great brothers and in-laws who provide a lot of support and friendship, and so much more.

I am bursting with gratefulness.

Medical Departments (June '09)

1. Oncology
2. Infusion services
3. Oncology infusion
4. Radiology
5. Interventional Radiology
6. Radiology Oncology
7. Infectious Diseases
8. Pulmonary
9. Gynecology
10. Surgery -- which includes anesthesiology
11. Gynecological surgery
12. Extended observation services
13. Surgery
14. Urgent Care
15. Anti-coagulation management services
16. Wound healing
17. Occupational therapy
18. Physical therapy
19. Dermatology
20. Gastroenterology

In no particular order, these are the departments or specialty centers at Group Health Cooperative that I have visited since I first had symptoms of cancer in summer of 2006. This list does not include various pharmacies, labs and treatment centers at Group Health clinics. Most of these encounters have been at the Central (Seattle) GHC, but some have been at the Bellevue GHC which opened in July of 2008.

Doctors whose names I can remember: Chen, Maxin, Madsen, Pallister, Grice, Froines, Thompson, Herstein.

Oncology infusion nurses (first name basis): Jane, Jane, Ruth, Ruth Anne, Maureen, Karen, Julie, Norma, Dan.

Schedulers (in oncology infusion): Mark, Beverly, Nick.

I am grateful to all of these people. They have ALL been kind, helpful, professional, competent and caring.

Summer Evenings (Aug '09)

What I like about summer evenings …

Long days – when it’s light out until past 9:00.
Watching boats, water skiers, and personal watercraft on the lake.
Seeing hot air balloons to the east of us in evenings.
Watching sea plane after sea plane landing on the lake in the evenings.
Going to the pool when it’s warm or hot in the early evenings.
Sitting on the patio in the cool of the evening, when by cool I mean about 80 degrees.
Eating grilled meat for dinner, with melon.
Eating frozen fruit bars or drinking root beer floats or margaritas.
Taking the kids to Dairy Queen for dessert.
Sleeping on the top of the sheets with no blanket or bedcover.
Watching fireworks, nearby and fairly far away.
Watching the bright lights of the planes as they take off & land at SeaTac.
Having windows open all over the house to cool things off.
Having no worries about getting the kids to bed early, getting their homework done, quiz practice or music practice finished, or determining who needs their lunch made the next morning.